matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize