found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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