I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
