Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
