Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
