How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
