don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
