I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
