I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
