toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
