Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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