I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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