When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
