Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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