Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
