Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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