her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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