I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
