I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
