maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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