I heard we made out
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
