is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
