i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
