I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
