a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I need to align my fucking chakras
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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