Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
