either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
