i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Shame is for Republicans.
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