My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize