Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Every concussion has its silver lining
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
