During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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