I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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