I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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