I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
