Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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