kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
