She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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