Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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