I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just google imaged poop.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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