when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
