I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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