SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
