The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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