Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
