i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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