I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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