Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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