Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
