Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize