I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
