Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
