Can i not drive my cunt home
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
