You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
