If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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