Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
