dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
